5 Key Steps to Successfully Parent Your College Student
Sending a child to college can be scary! It is the culmination of the blood, sweat, and tears you have poured into them for years. How will they manage everyday tasks? Will they know how to troubleshoot situations? We drive ourselves crazy with these types of questions. Use these 6 steps to help keep your sanity and increase the likelihood that this new season of life is a great one.
Step 1- Don’t Assume Anything
We often assume we know what our child wants or needs due to past experiences, their personality, or simply parent intuition. College is a new start for them, so what we know or think we know about them does not necessarily apply. For example, my son was the messiest human on the planet while at home. He never cared about how his room looked let alone what kind of decor was in there. When I mentioned shopping for his dorm room, he was disinterested and instead just gave me general preferences. Fast forward to move-in day. I expected to be setting up his room mostly by myself. I was wrong. He cared about every single detail and it ended up being a very pleasant and memorable experience for me as I watched him unveil this newfound pride in his own.
Step 2- Encourage Them Often
This is new territory for them and you. When you are new at something, it is always helpful to have someone cheering for you and encouraging you. Don’t be the loud, obnoxious parent yelling from the bleachers that causes everyone around you to cringe. Instead, be subtle and sincere when you encourage your child. On the day of move-in, I left a few sticky notes with simple messages in a few random places that I knew would eventually be discovered. Additionally, on days or weeks that I knew he had big tests or assignments, I would send a simple text letting him know how proud I was or send an inspirational quote via text. I used this sparingly, but it let him know that I’m still here and I’m still your biggest fan. (bonus: sometimes the text would lead to a return phone call or extended text dialogue)
Step 3- Boundaries Should Still Exist
This is an exciting time in their life when they can create their own schedules, have complete autonomy of where they go, what they eat, and everything in between. They will learn so much about themselves through this process, but there are still some boundaries that are okay for you to set. They still need to know what you consider to be acceptable, healthy, and safe. It doesn’t mean they will always adhere to those boundaries, but it does provide stability and a place of center when things are rapidly changing in their world. When my college student comes home for the summer or an extended break, there are still house rules that provide a level of respect for everyone who lives here. A simple example of those rules is the last person in for the night turns off the outdoor lights and any interior lights we have left on for them. Our children follow this rule out of respect for us. In return, we don’t micromanage when they come home.
Step 4- Be Open With Them
Your children will have new experiences and they will likely need advice or support. I want to be someone they would consider calling to get that advice or support. It can be something like a relationship breakup or a roommate disagreement which can seem simple to us but is a major issue for them. My first rule of thumb whenever something occurs with my children is don’t panic. I have a great poker face and I am very astute at being in panic mode on the inside and collected on the outside. If you can master this, then they are likely to continue to confide in you. Try to listen more than you talk and often they will solve their own problems without you needing to say much. If you experienced something similar, tell them about it. Showing vulnerability has been a great tool to use with my children and they are willing to be open with me as a result.
Step 5- Help Them When Needed
We’ve helped them through every phase of life thus far so why would we stop now? The help you provide might look different and might only come when solicited, but being there for them in those moments is key. My son was recently on the interstate coming home when I got a phone call from him. He was calling to let me know that his tire pressure light had come on, but he was not in an area where he could pull off to check it. I went through some basic questions about how the car felt to drive, what noises was he hearing, and a few other questions to be able to guide him on the next steps. I’m so glad he called because the thought of him stopping on the side of the interstate terrifies me when I think about the potential dangers involved. If we are there to help in the little things then they will likely seek us to help solve big problems.
